The Night City Grows

I dont even see the point to living anymore. I'd mich rather be in heaven, I think I have experienced enough in life to leave now. I have felt love, I felt pain, I have grieved, I have friendship, I have family, and I have God. Of course I care about my future because I am here, but I could just as easily not be here anymore. I would never kill myself because I know that suicide is a sin, and I would go to hell. Along with I would never have the guts to do it. But often I find myself wishing I would get in a car accident. Or I here about other young people that have died and I just ask why couldnt It be me instead, I would have taken their place. Im honestly in a bad spot right now if you cant tell. I am sort of at the bottom. Sometimes I think I am going to be okay, and then I see something, or something happens and automatically I just break down all over again. I just don't really feel like I have a purpose anymore. I feel unwanted, unloved, and alone. I just dont understand how someone would want to just throw away all of the good times. And for what? for a little bit of man time? is that man time going to make you happy for the rest of your life? I just wish he understood how much this hurts me. But I feel like I can't tell him because It will push him farther away. I just dont even feel like I am apart of his life anymore. He doesnt want me in his life anymore, and I honestly can't comprehend why? I know people grow apart. But when I replay everything in my head, It just doesn't make sense. I'm just sick of feeling this pain. I would like to give myself up, sacrifice myself for the life of someone else. I promise you I am ready. Yeah I may be scared, but I rather go somewhere where I will be happy eternally. This sounds completely depressing, but it makes sense in my mind. By the way I made a 70 on a test that I studied super hard for, its just dicouraging.

Dreams: last night
I dreamed I was going to sleep at Jet's for some reason and I had a blanket and was thinking of ways to make a comfortable bed with jets materials.
another dream I had was that I was in this highclass society where there was a ball with huge oldfashioned ball gowns and the Queen was against me and trying to prevent me from going, and I stole a key from her. And I went to walmart to try and find a suitable outfit to wear to the ball.