I am exhausted. And I have been conflicted with a decision. Do i contact him... or not? I want to see him of course!!! but I dont want it to make me feel even worse then I do now. I know that I shouldnt... but I want to! :( Its like someone putting a cookie infront of you when your REALLY craving sweets. Yeah maybe your trying to watch your weight and shouldnt eat the cookie.. but you still want that darn cookie. And yeah there is a chance that the cookie is gonna taste like crap, but your still gonna take a bite anyway. I just wish everything was back to the way it was, when we were happy and cared alot!!! Lately I have been thinking about his "look". the look when he has screwed up and is so sorry because he doesnt want me to be mad. Its such a pitiful look, but a look that I love very much, just because it always reminded me that he cared no matter what it was over. I think back to when he was soo protective of me, even guys looking at me in walmart would erk him. at the time i just thought he was being goofy. but now that I think back.. it makes me miss him caring soo much about us.
Dear Austin,
I miss you. I feel like I am loosing my bestfriend. I just really hope you come back to me one day. I love you more than anything.
My dreams lately:
Bad dream- I was at school and Austin was with me and I was in this study group thing and he said something to me about feeling obligated that he needed to bring me to dinner at his house since we were hanging out. I asked why he acted like he had too.And he said he didnt feel good and that he was only nice to the people he was comfortable with like jake and eli? This girl in my group knew him when they were kids. she was half asain half white. He seemed so excited to see her. And they started walking off together and they switched numbers. Even eli started running after him to tell him that it was a bad idea. and its just gonna complicate things. But he didnt listen and they started talking and i guess were considered "together". so we were all sitting at a table and again me and eli were trying to convince him that it was bad. but instead he straight up looked me in my eyes and said "It's okay, you will find someone to move on with too." I got up and went to the bathroom without even saying anything else. Then. This guy came up and the chick kissed him, turns out they were married and I laughed in Austins face.
Good dream- We were at the beach for a party. I was mad at austin for being so mean to me. And I had an older brother that I was mad at because he was abusing me. Austin was there and I was trying to ignore him but he was saying its hard when people mention me. That he doesnt know how to answer the questions that they ask. and that when he sees on facebook that I am talking to guys its really hurts him. AND THEN.... he had that look......... the look that I love :) that pitiful.. im sorry look. I looked at him and just ran into his arms and started kissing him. I told him he was the only one for me an that he has nothing to worry about. After i told him about my brothers abuse and we both started crying. And he said he was so sorry that he didnt protect him. I remember brushing agaunst his hands. I love holding his hands. :(
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