Apple juice is sometimes richer and stronger then I would like it to be.
ALL DAY! I can't get him out of my head. every free moment I have he is there, every blank thought he is there, every time I have time to think freely(not distracted). I cant help but think: what did I do wrong? or if I did something differently would it be different? I just reply over and over in my head all of the best memories and the way he would make me feel, or how we would interact with each other. And honestly it just confuses me. Why would someone throw all of that away? "I dont want to be in a relationship right now" is that a nicer way of saying I dont feel the same towards you anymore? Or am I still on his mind? what is even more aggrevating right now is that I will never know the answer. And I want to find out more by talking to him.. but then I remember how he treated me last wendsday night. Like I was just any girl... I wasnt the girl he fell in love with anymore. he barely even touched me, he wouldnt hold my hand, we barely cuddled. And to top it off the kissing wasnt meaningful. It got so bad that when he walked out of the room I instantly started crying and had to sneak to the bathroom before he saw me. I feel absolutly pitiful, like one of those girls that I would call weak for letting herself depend on someone for hapiness soo much. I don't know how to change it though, It just is what it is. My parents are going out of town in about a week. and ofcourse my heart is telling me to ask him to come over and that it will be wonderful.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. though my head is trying to convince myself that it is not a good idea and to just let things take their own path. Everyone says to listen to your head not your heart, but should we really supress our emotions? are they that misleading in our lives? or is it how it is supposed to be?
*heartbroken&lonely*
Dream: I tried so hard to remember my dream from last night but the only thing I could remember was something about my sock and underwear drawers were empty and I was looking for a pair of socks?
so since that only counts as a half of a dream, here is a different dream that I had wrote down a few nights ago:
I dreamed that I was having a wedding for me and you. But you weren't showing up. Andi I didntthink you were coming. And the place where we were having the wedding had a stage and we had planned like a talent portion as a little entertainment.. Then my mom got a text saying you were coming. Then you and your family walked in with these rock and roll costumes on. you were dressed as a cop. You dont really say much to me, and your family gets on stage and your mom and dad start singing, Andi and Alex were back up dancers. They were supposed to shoot you at the end like you were ruining their party. You had given me this cushion that made a gunshot noise. Everyone loved it and was cheering like crazy. After you changed I pulled you aside and asked if we were getting married? You said no but you apologised and said you had been so stupid and that you wanted to be with me. I was mad because I didnt know what to do about the wedding, or what to tell the guests. You basically had this attitude like " Its fine act like its a celebrate our love party". So my mom walks up and I'm like freaking out and she is talking to me about how we are out of drinks. i told her " I dont care about the stupid drinks." Then your mom asked when we were opening presents. I started thinking that we should just give them all back, but i got upset thinking about it so I just ran to the bathroom cuz I was about to cry. This girl in the bathroom was talking about how everyone knew we were unhappy, I tried to explain the situation and convince her and myself that we were still in love.
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