Finally you answered.

I am exhausted. And I have been conflicted with a decision. Do i contact him... or not? I want to see him of course!!! but I dont want it to make me feel even worse then I do now. I know that I shouldnt... but I want to! :( Its like someone putting a cookie infront of you when your REALLY craving sweets. Yeah maybe your trying to watch your weight and shouldnt eat the cookie.. but you still want that darn cookie. And yeah there is a chance that the cookie is gonna taste like crap, but your still gonna take a bite anyway. I just wish everything was back to the way it was, when we were happy and cared alot!!! Lately I have been thinking about his "look". the look when he has screwed up and is so sorry because he doesnt want me to be mad. Its such a pitiful look, but a look that I love very much, just because it always reminded me that he cared no matter what it was over. I think back to when he was soo protective of me, even guys looking at me in walmart would erk him. at the time i just thought he was being goofy. but now that I think back.. it makes me miss him caring soo much about us.
Dear Austin,
        I miss you. I feel like I am loosing my bestfriend. I just really hope you come back to me one day. I love you more than anything.

My dreams lately:
Bad dream- I was at school and Austin was with me and I was in this study group thing and he said something to me about feeling obligated that he needed to bring me to dinner at his house since we were hanging out. I asked why he acted like he had too.And he said he didnt feel good and that he was only nice to the people he was comfortable with like jake and eli? This girl in my group knew him when they were kids. she was half asain half white. He seemed so excited to see her. And they started walking off together and they switched numbers. Even eli started running after him to tell him that it was a bad idea. and its just gonna complicate things. But he didnt listen and they started talking and i guess were considered "together". so we were all sitting at a table and again me and eli were trying to convince him that it was bad. but instead he straight up looked me in my eyes and said "It's okay, you will find someone to move on with too." I got up and went to the bathroom without even saying anything else. Then. This guy came up and the chick kissed him, turns out they were married and I laughed in Austins face.
Good dream- We were at the beach for a party. I was mad at austin for being so mean to me. And I had an older brother that I was mad at because he was abusing me. Austin was there and I was trying to ignore him but he was saying its hard when people mention me. That he doesnt know how to answer the questions that they ask. and that when he sees on facebook that I am talking to guys its really hurts him. AND THEN.... he had that look......... the look that I love :) that pitiful.. im sorry look. I looked at him and just ran into his arms and started kissing him. I told him he was the only one for me an that he has nothing to worry about. After i told him about my brothers abuse and we both started crying. And he said he was so sorry that he didnt protect him. I remember brushing agaunst his hands. I love holding his hands. :(

Lemon juice on my face

I am so discouraged lately. Like seriously on my first too tests I have made a 70 and a 60. and honestly I seriously do not understand. I am studying, I am going to class. Yeah I may not be completely focused but I am trying very hard. alot harder then almost everybody in college. Maybe I just need to get back into the swing of college. But I let this stuff effect me way too much. And usually I have Austin there to tell me that everything will be fine and that I can do anything and not to stress. He is the only person that can make me relax. But I dont even have him anymore, so I might aswell worry myself to death. Maybe this time of year is just bad for everyone. My courtney is going through something similar with her boytoy. But her grades are good..... I am just not very optomistic about my future right now. I am just too stressed and need to improve my grades majorily. I NEED AN A in everything..... I hate my life. when will good things start happening to me? is this Karma? like... what did I do? without you its been hell.

Dream: I was at home and Austin was coming with my family to a party and then afterwards he was going to Jake and robbys party that he didnt even invite me too.. I remember thinking that I wanted him to invite me. My parents were going to let me and Austin drink and he asked if I would be mad, I told him it was fine if he wanted to. After there was a huge party on shores rd that they seriously imported an ocean and sand, and had speed boats, jets skis and fair. Me and stacie werent invited so we showed joseph raby our boobs to get in. Though I was just with Austin earlier, he wasnt talking to me. To get further into the fair, you had to go through these trials and games to continue. for example there was one game where you turned a vacum on and it chased you until you found the prize then it would turn off. I was trying to find austin and i ran into eli and he acted very wierd, like austin was avoiding me. But i forced him to bring me to him. When he saw me he was with his mom and grandma and I sarcasticly thanked his mom for pretending like she didnt know me. I started to walk away upset and Austin was like noo noo this is my fault and tried to come after me. When I was leaving I ran into this guy that liked me... he was "old austin" meaning like highschool austin.. he was different then. And he was asking me if I liked him. And I told him that I was crazy in love with current Austin but that he was second on my list. And I apologised to him.

Silence and Deep Thoughts

I think I need to explain my last post... looking back on it, it sounds very depressing and extremely suicidal. There are points in your life where you feel as low as it gets, and in those points you may break down from time to time. This happens alot around the time of a girls period. Honestly I am emotional and about to start my period, and my life just isnt what I want it to be right now. I want to be with someone who doesnt want me back, and I am trying my hardest to not push him away further. But its alot harder then it seems. I am stressed about school because I feel like I need to make an A in everything to be successful in the field I want to go in. And work has been such a pain in my butt lately. I am not suicidal, I am just in a bad spot in my life, and I dont really know how to fix it without going through more pain. SIGHHHHH.... waiting for some answers. I woke up this morning trying to recap in my head what I had dreamed, when I found myself wondering if I dreamed certain things or had just thought about those things before I fell asleep. Its hard to distinguish between reality sometimes.

My dreams have been more like pieces of seperate dreams lately. :
I was in a circle with people in some comfy chairs on a campus, and bobby was in the circle, I was explaining how you can make your own major and the university has to approve it aslong as you come up with the curriculum and faculty. As an example I used Terry as the president and bobby as the VP. Terry was walking by is why I used him. In the background there was a construction crane moving entire buildings around.
Austin had a pimple on his nose and he was asking me how to pop it since it was a weird angle, and I showed him.(wish I dreamed more about him)
I was at Jets and it was Tom's last day and he was extremely excited to be leaving and going on with his life, and I found it odd that he was acting so happy.

The Night City Grows

I dont even see the point to living anymore. I'd mich rather be in heaven, I think I have experienced enough in life to leave now. I have felt love, I felt pain, I have grieved, I have friendship, I have family, and I have God. Of course I care about my future because I am here, but I could just as easily not be here anymore. I would never kill myself because I know that suicide is a sin, and I would go to hell. Along with I would never have the guts to do it. But often I find myself wishing I would get in a car accident. Or I here about other young people that have died and I just ask why couldnt It be me instead, I would have taken their place. Im honestly in a bad spot right now if you cant tell. I am sort of at the bottom. Sometimes I think I am going to be okay, and then I see something, or something happens and automatically I just break down all over again. I just don't really feel like I have a purpose anymore. I feel unwanted, unloved, and alone. I just dont understand how someone would want to just throw away all of the good times. And for what? for a little bit of man time? is that man time going to make you happy for the rest of your life? I just wish he understood how much this hurts me. But I feel like I can't tell him because It will push him farther away. I just dont even feel like I am apart of his life anymore. He doesnt want me in his life anymore, and I honestly can't comprehend why? I know people grow apart. But when I replay everything in my head, It just doesn't make sense. I'm just sick of feeling this pain. I would like to give myself up, sacrifice myself for the life of someone else. I promise you I am ready. Yeah I may be scared, but I rather go somewhere where I will be happy eternally. This sounds completely depressing, but it makes sense in my mind. By the way I made a 70 on a test that I studied super hard for, its just dicouraging.

Dreams: last night
I dreamed I was going to sleep at Jet's for some reason and I had a blanket and was thinking of ways to make a comfortable bed with jets materials.
another dream I had was that I was in this highclass society where there was a ball with huge oldfashioned ball gowns and the Queen was against me and trying to prevent me from going, and I stole a key from her. And I went to walmart to try and find a suitable outfit to wear to the ball.

Nobody Wants You

Lately... its been hard to resist contacting him. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I am scared he isnt going to act like he cares. I have constent thoughts and questions lately, but I am trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing by giving him the space that he asked for. That if I do that, he might come back to me. Though other times I question if he is too far gone to ever come back. Or if it will ever be the same betweeen us anymore. Giving him his space is alot harder then it seems. I just feel like I am on pins and needles. Anything I do could define wether he will want me again. This is so pitiful... :(

My dream: I have a few this time.
Thursday night I dreamed that I was on a trip with some people from highschool and we were riding on a bus. Danielle had left some things in the hotel room so I was going to grab them for her. When I went in there, there was a guy who was getting some of his stuff too. he basically came on to me and told me that he knew I wanted to touch his penis.... I was extremely disgusted and left. When I went outside I was telling a group of friends about what he had said. Then we looked in the window and he grabbed some other girl and was getting freaky with her. We thought it was hilarious, and I think we like banged on the window to mess with them. But we were outside the hotel and we were having a bonfire on top of a trampoline. And my cat got too close and caught on fire. I freaked out and was like running after her but she ran up in a tree. and next time we saw her she had like burnt fur patches all over her. When we went to get back ob the bus brianna smith was behind us in heels and a huge eskimo jacket and she was talking about how she loved how she actually has friends in college.

Last night I dreamed I was at jets at nippers corner, but it looked like chattanooga inside. And I was in the back and I saw Jake and Robby on the camera so I went up there and they acted like they didnt see me. And then when we brought them their food they were talking to be and I was like "what are you guys doing here" and they said they do live pretty close, which is true. But I said I feel like they were here for something else. and they basically admitted that Austin asked them to spy on me. Which kinda made me feel good.
Dreams like that make me wonder maybe he is still thinking about me?

I also had another dream that was like people were chasing me and trying to stop me from saving somebody, and there was a tornoado and they were making everyone get into a building but I stole their truck and like ran over a bunch of stuff to try and go save these people, which I think was supposed to be our sister. Having someone chase you in a dream Is kinda creepy.

From Morning to Night

Apple juice is sometimes richer and stronger then I would like it to be.
ALL DAY! I can't get him out of my head. every free moment I have he is there, every blank thought he is there, every time I have time to think freely(not distracted). I cant help but think: what did I do wrong? or if I did something differently would it be different? I just reply over and over in my head all of the best memories and the way he would make me feel, or how we would interact with each other. And honestly it just confuses me. Why would someone throw all of that away? "I dont want to be in a relationship right now" is that a nicer way of saying I dont feel the same towards you anymore? Or am I still on his mind? what is even more aggrevating right now is that I will never know the answer. And I want to find out more by talking to him.. but then I remember how he treated me last wendsday night. Like I was just any girl... I wasnt the girl he fell in love with anymore. he barely even touched me, he wouldnt hold my hand, we barely cuddled. And to top it off the kissing wasnt meaningful. It got so bad that when he walked out of the room I instantly started crying and had to sneak to the bathroom before he saw me. I feel absolutly pitiful, like one of those girls that I would call weak for letting herself depend on someone for hapiness soo much. I don't know how to change it though, It just is what it is. My parents are going out of town in about a week. and ofcourse my heart is telling me to ask him to come over and that it will be wonderful.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. though my head is trying to convince myself that it is not a good idea and to just let things take their own path. Everyone says to listen to your head not your heart, but should we really supress our emotions? are they that misleading in our lives? or is it how it is supposed to be?

*heartbroken&lonely*
Dream: I tried so hard to remember my dream from last night but the only thing I could remember was something about my sock and underwear drawers were empty and I was looking for a pair of socks?
so since that only counts as a half of a dream, here is a different dream that I had wrote down a few nights ago:
I dreamed that I was having a wedding for me and you. But you weren't showing up. Andi I didntthink you were coming. And the place where we were having the wedding had a stage and we had planned like a talent portion as a little entertainment.. Then my mom got a text saying you were coming. Then you and your family walked in with these rock and roll costumes on. you were dressed as a cop. You dont really say much to me, and your family gets on stage and your mom and dad start singing, Andi and Alex were back up dancers. They were supposed to shoot you at the end like you were ruining their party. You had given me this cushion that made a gunshot noise. Everyone loved it and was cheering like crazy. After you changed I pulled you aside and asked if we were getting married? You said no but you apologised and said you had been so stupid and that you wanted to be with me. I was mad because I didnt know what to do about the wedding, or what to tell the guests. You basically had this attitude like " Its fine act like its a celebrate our love party". So my mom walks up and I'm like freaking out and she is talking to me about how we are out of drinks. i told her " I dont care about the stupid drinks." Then your mom asked when we were opening presents. I started thinking that we should just give them all back, but i got upset thinking about it so I just ran to the bathroom cuz I was about to cry. This girl in the bathroom was talking about how everyone knew we were unhappy, I tried to explain the situation and convince her and myself that we were still in love.

Taffy stuck and Tounge tied

I can feel the weather changing to fall. Though this weather is alot better then 90's-100, which is what we had been having, I can't help but hate accepting that time is passing. Entering another season unhappy and alone. Granted I am doing alot better then I have been. I am starting to admit to myself that there is nothing I can do about it. I am starting to admit that we really are broken up, that this just isnt a break anymore. I think what i have the hardest time accepting is that he has changed. And im scared to think that maybe I fell in love with the person he used to be. Because I dont feel like I know this new person. I still love him, and I guess I still have a little hope that he will come to his senses. At this point, I find it highly unlikely. So here is to accepting the fact that reality sucks! and that the things we want most in life dont always work out. Nothing is a fairytale.

My dream today:
I had wrote Mr. Johnson a letter saying how disgusted I was by him, and the things he did. I told him that he was an amazing teacher and that so many people respected him, why would he be so stupid to throw all of that away? I brought it to his house and he invited me in and started reading it and he said that it was the biggest mistake of his like and he knew how terrible it was, and that he was sorry. He took me to his room, which resembled a teenagers, and as we were talking he suddenly looks panicked and says "Oh Goodness...I need to take you somewhere." My automatic reaction was "NO!" and "why?" He said that he couldnt help but be attracted to me and that if he brought me to his parents then they would help him resist. I said that I think I should leave. He continued to try to convince me to stay as I started to walk out of the house. Lance came out of his room and asked what was going on? and where we were going. Mr. Johnson lied and said we were going to get something to eat. I just walked out of the house and started walking towards my car. He pulled up in a red and black sports car and asked me to get in. I said no, that i needed to leave. He got out of the car to hug me goodbye. He started rubbing my arm or my side and I would push him away and say no, and he would continually say he was sorry and that he was trying to resist.

For those of you who do not know. Mr. Johnson was a teacher I had when I was a junior in highschool. He went to jail for being sexual with several underage students. Though I was not one of them, people close to me were. He recently got out of jail, and is haunting my dreams...