I dont love you, but I always will.

Im hurting.. and I just wish it would stop. It kills me to look back and realize there was a time when I was happy. Its so hard for me to have patience and to just trust that this is what God wants. Thats extremely hard for me to accept. Helping courtney through her break up brought back even more bad feelings. I just dont know how long he is gonna make me wait until he lets me go. Im dangling by a thread here. Sometomes I really resent him for having this power over me. Mean while trying to concentrate on school has helped... except today. Need to study but can barely focus enough to read anything.

Dreams: I worked in a antique furniture store and it was really fancy, there was a bed in one of the rooms and me and Austing started kissing and just before it got good one of my coworkers interruoted us before we could lock the door. The he went missing and he went off and joined the army and came back with a jeep full of girls and I just remember him yelling at me telling me to basically butt out of his business.

I had another dream that Courtney and Blake were getting married and I was late to the wedding and I was a Brides made. They shared the wedding with a lesbian couple. I got there just in time and stacie helped me change real quick and then courtney walked out looking beautiful with all of her cousins in silver dresses infront of her. Me and stacie were in a light lavender, and cheerleaders were in mint green. When courtney got to the alter she sang a little song about the different dresses and me and stacie ripped our clothes off to show the dresses. I just remember crying when they got married cuz I was really happy for them but also I was sad because I knew me and Austin couldnt get better because our relationship wasnt where it needed to be.

I was in texas and faith was picking out life size barbies and she wanted a life size bed to put them in, so I was showing Chad the different beds he could get her. Rollie had died but Dad dug her back up cuz he said she wasnt dead. She was in the Den and I was like "why is rollie in here.. she is dead?" and then she started moving. She was going in and out of death. A group of us were going to renees and there was a railroad being built in the middle of nowhere on the back roads. My family and Jaci's family were going to go to eat but we didnt get menus so we left cuz the service bad and split up and went wherever we wanted to go. Jaci was willing to pay for stuff and offered to take our parents out.

I woke up Jake in the middle of the night to fix Austins truck. They had a business and I was planning on surprising him. It was in the country. And then I started crying and told him I had cancer, He said he was sorry and that he wouldnt tell austin if I didnt want him too. Then there was this house with a wigi board in the same town. We all went there and there were monkeys there.

Me and Austin were talking and he told me that Andie met a guy in knoxville and that he was rich and bought her a restraunt that was at the top of the UT stadium. And he was thinking about moving and living their with herbut he was extremely jealous that his sister was consumed with this new guy. And he just kept saying stuff about how stupid relationships and love are. And I kept hugging him tighter and tighter trying to make him realize that our relationship could be like that again. Then I was walking to his house and I was on his road and I accidently turned wrong and literally walked into someones house.

Fan wind

So this past week has been quite terrible. After I last posted I was floating on clouds. And then the next day I started feeling some stumache pain. I had just gotten off my period so I thought it was just cramps and let it slide. Then I started feeling more discomfort and itching. I thought it was a yeast infection because I have had several before. Using some OTC treatment it seemed to help the itching but the pain was getting worse. I woke up saturday morning peeing blood and barely being able to walk. Safe to say I had a UTI. which was quiet uncomfortable asking my mom to come with me to the doctors because UTI's are typically associated with sex. But it had to be done. So I had to call out of work saturday and lost a 7 hour shift. but it was time much needed. No to mention earlier in the week. Tuesday night/wendsday morning. Gizzy woke me up at 5 am barking. I thought she needed to use the bathroom. but she was trying to tell me something was wrong. I go downstairs and rollie is making a loud weezing/moaning noise like she couldnt breathe. Now keep in mind that my parents are out of town visiting my sister, so I am home alone. She is an older dog, and i new instantly that she was dieing. I cried and held her and tried to make her feel loved the best way I knew how. I stayed up for an hour with her and eventually called my mom at 6am to ask what to do. She told me to go back to sleep and if she is still doing it in the morning take her to be put down. My mom called me wendsday morning at 8 am to see what I had decided to do. I hadnt checked on her yet so I said I would call her back. I had put rollie in a dog bed for more comfort. I go downstairs and she is dead. Head rolled back, eyes and mouth wide opened. I called my mom to tell her. Essentially I was freaked out, and then I was just upset. I tried to close her eyes but they wouldnt close. I called my neighbor to help bury her. It was Tramatizing to say the least. especially since I had to go to school. That night I texted austin and asked if he would come over.. that rollie had died and I needed comfort. Though he really did sound sympathetic he said he already had plans..... I was sitting at home by myself balling my eyes out. Wouldnt you want to make sure I was okay? that was just kind of hurtful. I keep thinking about him. I just want things to be good again. And I keep wanting to talk to him but I dont want to be pushy. I think they are improving, I just cant really tell because he is the one that needs improving, not me.

Dreams: My parents were getting a divorce, and my dad was the one who wanted it, and we were trying to get him to change his mind.

Me and Austin were at some sort of weird college where to get anywhere you had to go through tunnel made of glass. There were lots of overgrown plants everywhere. and something about a fraternity maybe a party or something.

I was going to a lady gaga concery and it was a group and we were bringing weed and acid. On the way in the had police searches on a dirt road near a river. I had the drugs in my bag, and the dog that was sniffing i somehow knew and I told him to jump in the river and he listened to me. I jumped in after him and told the cops that he likes to float and relax. somehow the dog ended up being gizzy. And I was sara, but as a boy. When we got out I stuffed the drugs in my underwear.

I made out with matt from jets chatt and told him I loved him. ?????????

We Gotta Get Out of Here

Sooooo.. I bit the cookie... and i liked the cookie ALOT. I devoured that cookie. I texted Austin last night and said "Hi!!" And after 2 hours of no reply and several played out scenerios on your mind of what he could be thinking right now, I texted him again and said " I just wanted to say that I miss you!! My parents are out of town until friday and I would love to see your handsome face. Sleeptight!!" Thinking he was either ignoring me or asleep. After 30 minutes... I was in my room looking at pictures of us and crying.. and then I get a text from him saying that he wants to see me to and that I should unlock my back door. So panicking i tried to wipe the tears from my eyes and run down stairs as he was stairing at my back door. He was of course confused why I was crying and asked me why. But I just hugged him tight... and didnt let go. we went upstairs and talked.. and honestly it was so perfect. It was back to normal!! and i just tried to soak in every minute of it! It was the complete opposite of how he acted the last time we hung out. Maybe he is coming around?? Im trying not to get my hopes up too much. but he did ask why I waited so long to text him. And I told him I was giving him his space. The guy that I am in love with is still there!!! and he still loves me too. :) Things are looking up, but I dont need to think too much into it.

My dream:
It was my brithday party or something and I was talking to Mrs. Dena and Jaci told me she was coming. And Mrs. Dena told me that she wasn't coming. And I was mad. And then Somebody died... like my little brother or something.. from eating too much.?? and I was trying to talk to the police to take care of it but I wasn't first on the list and I was angry. ANd then There was an office and the secretary was trying to get secret files and stole the key. IDK none of these make much sense