I feel like I am going through the 5 steps of grieving. Little did I know, breakups do entail the five stages of grief. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. I believe I am on 3. I just kind of got out of the anger phase but its still kinda there sometimes. I just feeled lied to. I feel like I deserve better treatment. I feel that I can't be doing this to myself anymore and that I just need to accept that it is over. If a guy wants to choose weed and hanging out with his buds over me then he is obviously not worth much. Really though, where is he going in his life? Pot head middle class blue collar job! what a great life to start for your self at 19. You have pretty much determined your future. And maybe the pot is just a phase, but what about the attitude, how can I expect someone to change BACK into who they were. People go forward, not reverse. In reality, I am just coming to terms that this isnt working in any way shape or form... Im not gonna let you use me anymore. I honestly dont even think you care about me anymore. And that hurts the most. How can feelings like that disapear? I know while I was in Chatt that it was rough on our relationship, and I understand I guess wanting to fix things a re-group. But that is not what your doing anymore. I dont even know what you are doing? I dont understand what your intentions are anymore. Either you want me or you dont.... I am done with the games. Im alone.. and I am accepting that I already lost you.. so i dont have much else to loose. I hope you find whatever you are looking for but I am not gonna wait around until you feel like you want me back. I want someone who treats me with more respect then that. I just can't wait to be over this so I dont feel this sharp pain anymore. I still think about you every night and day.. but I dont want to anymore. Im trying to accept & move on. It is still hard for me to accept that it is really over.
I wanted to rant on how much I hate weed, but I am just to upset to even continue writting.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Rattle.. rattle...#annoyed
I love how my mom freaks out cuz my eyes are swollen when I wake up... but what she doesnt know is it is just because I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I am loosing connection. Like he is beggining to be able to live without me in a more perminant way. I miss him like crazy but yet I am so angry at the same time.
Dreams: Mrs. Dena called me and was saying how jaci wanted to see me and then jaci and Courtneyshow up at my house but then Austin comes over and I ask them to give us a minute. We start kissing and get a little freaky but then we realize jaci and courtney are in the next room. So we put our clothes back on and austin told me about how he went on a date with this girl and how she was super drunk and then I met her and I was pissed. He said somethin like "were not gonna be together forever" (me and him) and I tried to convince him that we love each other and that is all that matters. Mrs. Sherri came in and kept hinting to austin that he had a boner. she showedme to my room and we played this wierd real life alien game. It was like a month long and it felt like a video game. Throughout the whole game austin never talked to me. then he said he was ready to settle down with another girl. Mrs. Sherri yelled at him and said it was wrong for how he had treated me.
Me and austin went to get a hotel and we couldnt get the door open so I had to track down maintenance and by that point I couldnt find him and he had already gotten in the room. This huge black girl was holding us all hostage in the hotel. and we all try and find a way to escape but her room is right next to ours and I am with a room of girls and there is a child that I am trying to take care of. Then me and court are at a marathon outside on a track and Blake and Austin were in it and we both walked away and started crying saying how stupid boys are.
I was pregnant and my mom and kayla were helping me have a baby in a warehouse. It was AUstins but he didnt know about and I was dating someone else and had to text him that I wasnt interested anymore because I was prego with austins child. But I was terrified to tell him.
Harrison was at my house and asked me if I heard the news. I was showering in the laundry closet. I told him no. He said that Austion would be there soon to tell me. He came in and acted like he saw me all the time. But he was super excited the news was that he was going to play pro flag football at cumberland university. And I walked away cuz i started to tear up. He came to find me. I wiped away the tears and told him I was happy for him. I was scared of what that meant for us. Then we were in walmart and he was being so goofy and I was chasing him around walmart and he woould look me in the eye and tell me he loved me. And he would kiss me. Then we went on a trip with a bunch of people and me and AUstin were dancing and running all over the place and doing goofy things that made no sense all over this mall and this city. Then we lost each other and I woke up at 3 am to find him cuz I had to get back for school and we needed to leave to get back in time
I went to nolensville for a wedding for Austins family. His family invited me but he didnt know I was there. And the word was that his ex would be there.So I am like hiding in this house and going to different parties and dinners for this wedding. We were all ice skating at this one party and his ex found out I was there and she was being really sweet and we sorta became friends. But everyone kept coming up to us saying that we shouldnt be talking like we were forbidden or something. Finally I got made and skated away. ANd while I was skating away I literally bumped into austin. He said "you know we are meant to be together." I just didnt say anything and i got upset and skated away. He came after me and finally caught up to me and finally caught up to me and said that he loved me and we started kissing. I told him I had to think about it. He started laughing and said "you know its true, were meant for each other." SIGHHHHHHHH i wish this really happened.
I was with lake and some random people and we were driving in chatt and we were trying to find our way back to utc. and we finally found the back of a baseball field. but players were on it so to get back to campus we had to cut through it. so we started runniong behind the players. Austin was out there and he wouldnt let me passed him. He kept asking me what was wrong. finally I got by him and then later he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to get back with him yet. I hat to remind him that he was the one that broke up with me. Though he said he thought I liked being apart from him that I was enjoying it. I told him that I wanted to be with him!!. So then we went to my house and we started to get freaky. I was completely naked and he had boxers and socks on. My dad walks in and austin gets up to run toward the door to shut it real quick but he is too late. the look on my dads face was dissapointment and disgust. He got mad and told austin to put his clothes back on. though we were both humiliated. Then my parents forbid me to see him again, and I was scared that it would push austin even further away. I told them that I am 19 and they cant forbid me to do anything. Though they did not like it, it was the truth.
Dreams: Mrs. Dena called me and was saying how jaci wanted to see me and then jaci and Courtneyshow up at my house but then Austin comes over and I ask them to give us a minute. We start kissing and get a little freaky but then we realize jaci and courtney are in the next room. So we put our clothes back on and austin told me about how he went on a date with this girl and how she was super drunk and then I met her and I was pissed. He said somethin like "were not gonna be together forever" (me and him) and I tried to convince him that we love each other and that is all that matters. Mrs. Sherri came in and kept hinting to austin that he had a boner. she showedme to my room and we played this wierd real life alien game. It was like a month long and it felt like a video game. Throughout the whole game austin never talked to me. then he said he was ready to settle down with another girl. Mrs. Sherri yelled at him and said it was wrong for how he had treated me.
Me and austin went to get a hotel and we couldnt get the door open so I had to track down maintenance and by that point I couldnt find him and he had already gotten in the room. This huge black girl was holding us all hostage in the hotel. and we all try and find a way to escape but her room is right next to ours and I am with a room of girls and there is a child that I am trying to take care of. Then me and court are at a marathon outside on a track and Blake and Austin were in it and we both walked away and started crying saying how stupid boys are.
I was pregnant and my mom and kayla were helping me have a baby in a warehouse. It was AUstins but he didnt know about and I was dating someone else and had to text him that I wasnt interested anymore because I was prego with austins child. But I was terrified to tell him.
Harrison was at my house and asked me if I heard the news. I was showering in the laundry closet. I told him no. He said that Austion would be there soon to tell me. He came in and acted like he saw me all the time. But he was super excited the news was that he was going to play pro flag football at cumberland university. And I walked away cuz i started to tear up. He came to find me. I wiped away the tears and told him I was happy for him. I was scared of what that meant for us. Then we were in walmart and he was being so goofy and I was chasing him around walmart and he woould look me in the eye and tell me he loved me. And he would kiss me. Then we went on a trip with a bunch of people and me and AUstin were dancing and running all over the place and doing goofy things that made no sense all over this mall and this city. Then we lost each other and I woke up at 3 am to find him cuz I had to get back for school and we needed to leave to get back in time
I went to nolensville for a wedding for Austins family. His family invited me but he didnt know I was there. And the word was that his ex would be there.So I am like hiding in this house and going to different parties and dinners for this wedding. We were all ice skating at this one party and his ex found out I was there and she was being really sweet and we sorta became friends. But everyone kept coming up to us saying that we shouldnt be talking like we were forbidden or something. Finally I got made and skated away. ANd while I was skating away I literally bumped into austin. He said "you know we are meant to be together." I just didnt say anything and i got upset and skated away. He came after me and finally caught up to me and finally caught up to me and said that he loved me and we started kissing. I told him I had to think about it. He started laughing and said "you know its true, were meant for each other." SIGHHHHHHHH i wish this really happened.
I was with lake and some random people and we were driving in chatt and we were trying to find our way back to utc. and we finally found the back of a baseball field. but players were on it so to get back to campus we had to cut through it. so we started runniong behind the players. Austin was out there and he wouldnt let me passed him. He kept asking me what was wrong. finally I got by him and then later he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to get back with him yet. I hat to remind him that he was the one that broke up with me. Though he said he thought I liked being apart from him that I was enjoying it. I told him that I wanted to be with him!!. So then we went to my house and we started to get freaky. I was completely naked and he had boxers and socks on. My dad walks in and austin gets up to run toward the door to shut it real quick but he is too late. the look on my dads face was dissapointment and disgust. He got mad and told austin to put his clothes back on. though we were both humiliated. Then my parents forbid me to see him again, and I was scared that it would push austin even further away. I told them that I am 19 and they cant forbid me to do anything. Though they did not like it, it was the truth.
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