Is this it?

I got a fotune cookie that told me something good will happen to me soon. I got another one that said to keep a look out for lost pennies and they will bring you luck. Whenever me and austin first started talking I found soooo many lost pennies and I would always joke that I was lucky that I found him and thats why I was finding so many pennies. I feel soo lost. Now more than ever. First he apologizes for being an asshole and says I didnt deserve it.(which i didnt) and then, he continues to be an asshole? and what does your apology mean? like Goodbye, I am sorry for treating you bad. or Im sorry, Ill try and do better? Im just so hurt. And i dont understand why he literally doesnt want me at all. How can someone change from "there is noone more perfect than you that i want to spend my life with." .. to: ignoring my texts and not caring if he sees me again. This situation is so akward.. if this really is ending, I dont want it to be like this. I always thought we would end up back together eventually. But Im kinda giving up at this point. It hurts so bad. It makes me never ever want to fall in love again. Everything was so perfect with him, I just dont understand why things had to change, why he had to change. I just want to go back in time. I feel so empty and broken. And i dont even want to pick up the pieces and move on because that means I will have to leave him behind. everyone says "He's a dick, you deserve better" he wasnt always like that, and I know i deserve better treatment, but he used to treat me the best! and I am in love with him. Maybe he is just lost right now. But I figured he would realize he doesnt want to be alone, and that I was the only one he wanted to be in love with. Maybe that just isnt the case. Maybe he has decided that we arent really significant in his life. I love this kid more than life, but I dont think there is anything else I can do. Its up to God now. If we are ment to be it will happen. But it is increasingly hard coming to terms with that realization. :( I can hardley function.

Dreams:

I had a dream that I was in lab and I had forgotten that Austin was in there also. But I wasn't speaking to him. I texted him something and he texted back saying he missed being with me and I didn't reply. We sat down.and he was across from me. It was awkward. He asked me if I wanted to hangout after.. and I.looked him like "seriously???" He hugged me and said he was sorry. I was sceptical.

 

I was at a park and Austin was dating someone else but he really didnt like her that much and I was trying to convince him that he needs to be with me and I was bawling my eyes out and asking him how he could do this to me? Andi pulled me aside and said that they all love me and want us to be togetherand was asking if i would give him a second chance, I said yes, but that I didnt think he wanted to be with me, She said she would try and convince him. Then we went to the apartments that kim kardashian was staying in and it was in florida, So we rented a room and was on the look out to see her, meanwhile there was a baseball tournament that was staying at the hotel on our floor so me and stacie put a paper up saying to leave your phone number in a envelope that we put on our door. And they did. I remember feeling wanted..

We were trying to find someone who had disapeared and we flew to Paris. There was like this wierd spirit thing that could only leave its master in the winter so it wouldnt grow and it was courtney's sister?? But it wasnt really human and it kept capturing people and tring to keep itself a seret and courtney was a taxi driver and we were chasing them to save courtney.

I was driving with my mom and I was going like 48 in a 40 and a cop passed me going the opposite way and he turned around in the middle of the road to pull me over, but he didnt look and hit a car. I pulled over to help and he came up to me and blamed me. He said I ran Him into that other car, that harrison preston was driving for some reason. I argued with him and he argued abck and then he just told me to leave. We should have stayed to explain to the other cops and fill out witness forms. Harrison was working at bestbuy, so when I got a letter in the mail blaming me for the accident I went to find harrison to get him to admit that I didnt do it. Of course Austin had gotten a job their too. I went up to them and they were talking about a party that everyone was high at. and i said " of course everyone would be high" I asked harrison what happened last night and he said that I hit him. And I was like Seriously tell the truth. Then we started arguing and I went up to austin and was hitting him jokingly and I said hey. He was like "what do you want?" really irratated. I asked him why he was acting like that and he told me to go away and leave him alone. So I walked out of the store, upset. My mom was outside and asked if I talked to harrison and I started crying saying Austin is in there and that I couldnt go back in there and face him. Harrison was walking out and my mom confronted him and bribed him with a new piece for his car and was burning him on the engine until he said yes.

 

'I was at a school carnival and I met this guy and he was sweet and was talking about how he hates guys that just want sex, and I though that was really sweet of him. Meanwhile I was completely naked at this carnival and everyone acted like it was normal. I later caught that guy making out with some girl and I walk in and ask him what he is doing and I make the girl leave> He apologizes and asks if I will do stuff with him instead. I refuse and then he starts flirting and saying that I turn him on. So I start to kiss him and he pulls down his pants and trys to get me to touch his penis. Though his penis was like stuffed in a hole INside his body. in aluminum foil??? and it was really skinny and looked like a worm and had this green gunky stuff all over it. He asked me to suck it, and when I started to it was slimy, oily and tasted disgusting. I immidietly left and washed my mouth out. When I woke up I remember thinking that I was never going to find a penis as perfect as Austins.

 

late nights

I feel like I am going through the 5 steps of grieving. Little did I know, breakups do entail the five stages of grief. 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. I believe I am on 3. I just kind of got out of the anger phase but its still kinda there sometimes. I just feeled lied to. I feel like I deserve better treatment. I feel that I can't be doing this to myself anymore and that I just need to accept that it is over. If a guy wants to choose weed and hanging out with his buds over me then he is obviously not worth much. Really though, where is he going in his life? Pot head middle class blue collar job! what a great life to start for your self at 19. You have pretty much determined your future. And maybe the pot is just a phase, but what about the attitude, how can I expect someone to change BACK into who they were. People go forward, not reverse. In reality, I am just coming to terms that this isnt working in any way shape or form... Im not gonna let you use me anymore. I honestly dont even think you care about me anymore. And that hurts the most. How can feelings like that disapear? I know while I was in Chatt that it was rough on our relationship, and I understand I guess wanting to fix things a re-group. But that is not what your doing anymore. I dont even know what you are doing? I dont understand what your intentions are anymore. Either you want me or you dont.... I am done with the games. Im alone.. and I am accepting that I already lost you.. so i dont have much else to loose. I hope you find whatever you are looking for but I am not gonna wait around until you feel like you want me back. I want someone who treats me with more respect then that. I just can't wait to be over this so I dont feel this sharp pain anymore. I still think about you every night and day.. but I dont want to anymore. Im trying to accept & move on. It is still hard for me to accept that it is really over.

I wanted to rant on how much I hate weed, but I am just to upset to even continue writting.  

Rattle.. rattle...#annoyed

I love how my mom freaks out cuz my eyes are swollen when I wake up... but what she doesnt know is it is just because I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I am loosing connection. Like he is beggining to be able to live without me in a more perminant way. I miss him like crazy but yet I am so angry at the same time.

Dreams: Mrs. Dena called me and was saying how jaci wanted to see me and then jaci and Courtneyshow up at my house but then Austin comes over and I ask them to give us a minute. We start kissing and get a little freaky but then we realize jaci and courtney are in the next room. So we put our clothes back on and austin told me about how he went on a date with this girl and how she was super drunk and then I met her and I was pissed. He said somethin like "were not gonna be together forever" (me and him) and I tried to convince him that we love each other and that is all that matters. Mrs. Sherri came in and kept hinting to austin that he had a boner. she showedme to my room and we played this wierd real life alien game. It was like a month long and it felt like a video game. Throughout the whole game austin never talked to me. then he said he was ready to settle down with another girl. Mrs. Sherri yelled at him and said it was wrong for how he had treated me.

Me and austin went to get a hotel and we couldnt get the door open so  I had to track down maintenance and by that point I couldnt find him and he had already gotten in the room. This huge black girl was holding us all hostage in the hotel.  and we all try and find a way to escape but her room is right next to ours and I am with a room of girls and there is a child that I am trying to take care of. Then me and court are at a marathon outside on a track and Blake and Austin were in it and we both walked away and started crying saying how stupid boys are.

I was pregnant and my mom and kayla were helping me have a baby in a warehouse. It was AUstins but he didnt know about and I was dating someone else and had to text him that I wasnt interested anymore because I was prego with austins child. But I was terrified to tell him.

Harrison was at my house and asked me if I heard the news. I was showering in the laundry closet. I told him no. He said that Austion would be there soon to tell me. He came in and acted like he saw me all the time. But he was super excited the news was that he was going to play pro flag football at cumberland university. And I walked away cuz i started to tear up. He came to find me. I wiped away the tears and told him I was happy for him. I was scared of what that meant for us. Then we were in walmart and he was being so goofy and I was chasing him around walmart and he woould look me in the eye and tell me he loved me. And he would kiss me. Then we went on a trip with a bunch of people and me and AUstin were dancing and running all over the place and doing goofy things that made no sense all over this mall and this city. Then we lost each other and I woke up at 3 am to find him cuz I had to get back for school and we needed to leave to get back in time

I went to nolensville for a wedding for Austins family. His family invited me but he didnt know I was there. And the word was that his ex would be there.So I am like hiding in this house and going to different parties and dinners for this wedding. We were all ice skating at this one party  and his ex found out I was there and she was being really sweet and we sorta became friends. But everyone kept coming up to us saying that we shouldnt be talking like we were forbidden or something. Finally I got made and skated away. ANd while I was skating away I literally bumped into austin. He said "you know we are meant to be together." I just didnt say anything and i got upset and skated away. He came after me and finally caught up to me and finally caught up to me and said that he loved me and we started kissing. I told him I had to think about it. He started laughing and said "you know its true, were meant for each other." SIGHHHHHHHH i wish this really happened.

I was with lake and some random people and we were driving in chatt and we were trying to find our way back to utc. and we finally found the back of a baseball field.  but players were on it so to get back to campus we had to cut through it. so we started runniong behind the players. Austin was out there and he wouldnt let me passed him. He kept asking me what was wrong. finally I got by him and then later he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to get back with him yet. I hat to remind him that he was the one that broke up with me. Though he said he thought I liked being apart from him that I was enjoying it. I told him that I wanted to be with him!!. So then we went to my house and we started to get freaky. I was completely naked and he had boxers and socks  on. My dad walks in and austin gets up to run toward the door to shut it real quick but he is too late. the look on my dads face was dissapointment and disgust. He got mad and told austin to put his clothes back on. though we were both humiliated. Then my parents forbid me to see him again, and I was scared that it would push austin even further away. I told them that I am 19 and they cant forbid me to do anything. Though they did not like it, it was the truth.

I dont love you, but I always will.

Im hurting.. and I just wish it would stop. It kills me to look back and realize there was a time when I was happy. Its so hard for me to have patience and to just trust that this is what God wants. Thats extremely hard for me to accept. Helping courtney through her break up brought back even more bad feelings. I just dont know how long he is gonna make me wait until he lets me go. Im dangling by a thread here. Sometomes I really resent him for having this power over me. Mean while trying to concentrate on school has helped... except today. Need to study but can barely focus enough to read anything.

Dreams: I worked in a antique furniture store and it was really fancy, there was a bed in one of the rooms and me and Austing started kissing and just before it got good one of my coworkers interruoted us before we could lock the door. The he went missing and he went off and joined the army and came back with a jeep full of girls and I just remember him yelling at me telling me to basically butt out of his business.

I had another dream that Courtney and Blake were getting married and I was late to the wedding and I was a Brides made. They shared the wedding with a lesbian couple. I got there just in time and stacie helped me change real quick and then courtney walked out looking beautiful with all of her cousins in silver dresses infront of her. Me and stacie were in a light lavender, and cheerleaders were in mint green. When courtney got to the alter she sang a little song about the different dresses and me and stacie ripped our clothes off to show the dresses. I just remember crying when they got married cuz I was really happy for them but also I was sad because I knew me and Austin couldnt get better because our relationship wasnt where it needed to be.

I was in texas and faith was picking out life size barbies and she wanted a life size bed to put them in, so I was showing Chad the different beds he could get her. Rollie had died but Dad dug her back up cuz he said she wasnt dead. She was in the Den and I was like "why is rollie in here.. she is dead?" and then she started moving. She was going in and out of death. A group of us were going to renees and there was a railroad being built in the middle of nowhere on the back roads. My family and Jaci's family were going to go to eat but we didnt get menus so we left cuz the service bad and split up and went wherever we wanted to go. Jaci was willing to pay for stuff and offered to take our parents out.

I woke up Jake in the middle of the night to fix Austins truck. They had a business and I was planning on surprising him. It was in the country. And then I started crying and told him I had cancer, He said he was sorry and that he wouldnt tell austin if I didnt want him too. Then there was this house with a wigi board in the same town. We all went there and there were monkeys there.

Me and Austin were talking and he told me that Andie met a guy in knoxville and that he was rich and bought her a restraunt that was at the top of the UT stadium. And he was thinking about moving and living their with herbut he was extremely jealous that his sister was consumed with this new guy. And he just kept saying stuff about how stupid relationships and love are. And I kept hugging him tighter and tighter trying to make him realize that our relationship could be like that again. Then I was walking to his house and I was on his road and I accidently turned wrong and literally walked into someones house.

Fan wind

So this past week has been quite terrible. After I last posted I was floating on clouds. And then the next day I started feeling some stumache pain. I had just gotten off my period so I thought it was just cramps and let it slide. Then I started feeling more discomfort and itching. I thought it was a yeast infection because I have had several before. Using some OTC treatment it seemed to help the itching but the pain was getting worse. I woke up saturday morning peeing blood and barely being able to walk. Safe to say I had a UTI. which was quiet uncomfortable asking my mom to come with me to the doctors because UTI's are typically associated with sex. But it had to be done. So I had to call out of work saturday and lost a 7 hour shift. but it was time much needed. No to mention earlier in the week. Tuesday night/wendsday morning. Gizzy woke me up at 5 am barking. I thought she needed to use the bathroom. but she was trying to tell me something was wrong. I go downstairs and rollie is making a loud weezing/moaning noise like she couldnt breathe. Now keep in mind that my parents are out of town visiting my sister, so I am home alone. She is an older dog, and i new instantly that she was dieing. I cried and held her and tried to make her feel loved the best way I knew how. I stayed up for an hour with her and eventually called my mom at 6am to ask what to do. She told me to go back to sleep and if she is still doing it in the morning take her to be put down. My mom called me wendsday morning at 8 am to see what I had decided to do. I hadnt checked on her yet so I said I would call her back. I had put rollie in a dog bed for more comfort. I go downstairs and she is dead. Head rolled back, eyes and mouth wide opened. I called my mom to tell her. Essentially I was freaked out, and then I was just upset. I tried to close her eyes but they wouldnt close. I called my neighbor to help bury her. It was Tramatizing to say the least. especially since I had to go to school. That night I texted austin and asked if he would come over.. that rollie had died and I needed comfort. Though he really did sound sympathetic he said he already had plans..... I was sitting at home by myself balling my eyes out. Wouldnt you want to make sure I was okay? that was just kind of hurtful. I keep thinking about him. I just want things to be good again. And I keep wanting to talk to him but I dont want to be pushy. I think they are improving, I just cant really tell because he is the one that needs improving, not me.

Dreams: My parents were getting a divorce, and my dad was the one who wanted it, and we were trying to get him to change his mind.

Me and Austin were at some sort of weird college where to get anywhere you had to go through tunnel made of glass. There were lots of overgrown plants everywhere. and something about a fraternity maybe a party or something.

I was going to a lady gaga concery and it was a group and we were bringing weed and acid. On the way in the had police searches on a dirt road near a river. I had the drugs in my bag, and the dog that was sniffing i somehow knew and I told him to jump in the river and he listened to me. I jumped in after him and told the cops that he likes to float and relax. somehow the dog ended up being gizzy. And I was sara, but as a boy. When we got out I stuffed the drugs in my underwear.

I made out with matt from jets chatt and told him I loved him. ?????????

We Gotta Get Out of Here

Sooooo.. I bit the cookie... and i liked the cookie ALOT. I devoured that cookie. I texted Austin last night and said "Hi!!" And after 2 hours of no reply and several played out scenerios on your mind of what he could be thinking right now, I texted him again and said " I just wanted to say that I miss you!! My parents are out of town until friday and I would love to see your handsome face. Sleeptight!!" Thinking he was either ignoring me or asleep. After 30 minutes... I was in my room looking at pictures of us and crying.. and then I get a text from him saying that he wants to see me to and that I should unlock my back door. So panicking i tried to wipe the tears from my eyes and run down stairs as he was stairing at my back door. He was of course confused why I was crying and asked me why. But I just hugged him tight... and didnt let go. we went upstairs and talked.. and honestly it was so perfect. It was back to normal!! and i just tried to soak in every minute of it! It was the complete opposite of how he acted the last time we hung out. Maybe he is coming around?? Im trying not to get my hopes up too much. but he did ask why I waited so long to text him. And I told him I was giving him his space. The guy that I am in love with is still there!!! and he still loves me too. :) Things are looking up, but I dont need to think too much into it.

My dream:
It was my brithday party or something and I was talking to Mrs. Dena and Jaci told me she was coming. And Mrs. Dena told me that she wasn't coming. And I was mad. And then Somebody died... like my little brother or something.. from eating too much.?? and I was trying to talk to the police to take care of it but I wasn't first on the list and I was angry. ANd then There was an office and the secretary was trying to get secret files and stole the key. IDK none of these make much sense

Finally you answered.

I am exhausted. And I have been conflicted with a decision. Do i contact him... or not? I want to see him of course!!! but I dont want it to make me feel even worse then I do now. I know that I shouldnt... but I want to! :( Its like someone putting a cookie infront of you when your REALLY craving sweets. Yeah maybe your trying to watch your weight and shouldnt eat the cookie.. but you still want that darn cookie. And yeah there is a chance that the cookie is gonna taste like crap, but your still gonna take a bite anyway. I just wish everything was back to the way it was, when we were happy and cared alot!!! Lately I have been thinking about his "look". the look when he has screwed up and is so sorry because he doesnt want me to be mad. Its such a pitiful look, but a look that I love very much, just because it always reminded me that he cared no matter what it was over. I think back to when he was soo protective of me, even guys looking at me in walmart would erk him. at the time i just thought he was being goofy. but now that I think back.. it makes me miss him caring soo much about us.
Dear Austin,
        I miss you. I feel like I am loosing my bestfriend. I just really hope you come back to me one day. I love you more than anything.

My dreams lately:
Bad dream- I was at school and Austin was with me and I was in this study group thing and he said something to me about feeling obligated that he needed to bring me to dinner at his house since we were hanging out. I asked why he acted like he had too.And he said he didnt feel good and that he was only nice to the people he was comfortable with like jake and eli? This girl in my group knew him when they were kids. she was half asain half white. He seemed so excited to see her. And they started walking off together and they switched numbers. Even eli started running after him to tell him that it was a bad idea. and its just gonna complicate things. But he didnt listen and they started talking and i guess were considered "together". so we were all sitting at a table and again me and eli were trying to convince him that it was bad. but instead he straight up looked me in my eyes and said "It's okay, you will find someone to move on with too." I got up and went to the bathroom without even saying anything else. Then. This guy came up and the chick kissed him, turns out they were married and I laughed in Austins face.
Good dream- We were at the beach for a party. I was mad at austin for being so mean to me. And I had an older brother that I was mad at because he was abusing me. Austin was there and I was trying to ignore him but he was saying its hard when people mention me. That he doesnt know how to answer the questions that they ask. and that when he sees on facebook that I am talking to guys its really hurts him. AND THEN.... he had that look......... the look that I love :) that pitiful.. im sorry look. I looked at him and just ran into his arms and started kissing him. I told him he was the only one for me an that he has nothing to worry about. After i told him about my brothers abuse and we both started crying. And he said he was so sorry that he didnt protect him. I remember brushing agaunst his hands. I love holding his hands. :(